Yesterday was Savannah's Kindergarten field trip to the Sacramento Zoo and Fairytale Town. God Bless 3 brave Kindergarten teachers for taking 75 students plus a multitude of camera-toting parents on such a grand adventure.

Savannah was so happy to run around the zoo with her best friends Gracie, Sophie and Ivy too. Gracie's lovely mommy Sarah and I chaperoned these happy kids.

Regret.

I always miss my Mom.

The heartache I feel is for the happy times I had with her, her wisdom and wealth of knowledge about almost everything, her confidence, courage, warmth, the softness of her skin and missing who I was when she was alive-seeing myself as she saw me. Lately I have not just been missing the happy times but the hard times too and sadly, her last few years were hard years. The truth is, my Mom struggled with pain the majority of her adult life. My Mom was athletic as a teenager and very comfortable in her own skin. At some point during her teenage years she was in a bad car accident at which time her body began to fail her. Her neck and back were in bad shape. When I was ten, she had surgery to remove a brain aneurysm which led to years of chronic and debilitating migraine headaches. Later she had surgery to fuse vertebrae in her neck together and the list of ailments and surgeries goes on and on. Growing up I don't remember her suffering or expressing discomfort but as an adult I was very aware of it. Then there was the depression, which I am certain was magnified by the pain. She medicated the pain and the depression, the combination of which left her unable to function creatively. As a perfectionist she felt frustrated and dejected in any artistic task or basic task really. When I would come home from college, I never knew how I would find her; groggy and dazed or lucid and peppy. Our relationship was strained around the time Tim and I got married. She had had a mental break of some kind and was spending time in a facility, detoxing from medication and trying to find some peace. I was hesitant to ask for her help or involve her in the planning because of her fragile mental/emotional state. But you know, that was so painful for her. She desperately wanted to spread her creative wings and fly but I kept clipping them back. We both said things and well like I said, our relationship was strained. A few years later we were having a fight while she was medicated and she told me all she wanted was to be a Grandma. I threw in her face that I wasn't going to have kids until she got healthy. The look on her groggy face scarred me. After I said it I felt terrible but hoped our argument would be forgotten by her medicated state. But she didn't forget and what I said haunted our friendship. During those hard times I wondered what the end of my Mom's misery would look like. And now I know. It looks empty and desperate, like I am drowning without her. I know that even on her worst day, I would want her here with me because the hope of a good day would be right around the corner. Not like now, where neither her good day or bad day is on the horizon.

My Mom was a cheerleader in high school. And Prom Queen too. When I was little, I would beg her to cheer for us with her old pom poms. I loved it. 

Short.

Miss Savannah made the big decision to stop growing her hair as long as Rapunzel's and instead, cutting her hair like her lovely teacher Mrs. Reeves (yay for healthy role models!). So she and "the bob" are together again.

 Now she looks like this (with Ivy Jane). Which reminds me of this...

 September 2010.

Summer hair feels so good!

Oh and in case you are wondering (of course you were!),

this is my view while shopping at Home Depot. Sometimes I am startled my by own reality...

I. Have. Three. Kids. (yay!)

Ease.

Mother's Day weekend was a dream. Tim cleaned the house, took care of food for the kids, gave baths, changed diapers, ordered me to take a nap/read/run/spend time doing whatever I wished and supplied me with coffee, water and lemon drops.

Ivy and I planted our vegetable garden and Tim and I made a new shade for the playhouse.

We ate sushi,

 Miss Savannah made me breakfast in bed...

then The Goo ate it.

Today I am feeling well-rested, tremendously appreciated, so so lucky and well, happy.

Really Spring.

The Dogwoods are in full bloom here at The Honey Hut. If I could capture a day in a bottle, I would choose this day. It is perfect; the birds are singing, the flowers are in bloom, the air is sweet and cool, the trees and grass are that chartreuse color of new Spring, the kids are happy...perfect.

I haven't felt much like being indoors which is why this blog is getting, well...dusty. I do post photos from time to time of little moments here and there, if you use Instagram you can find me @thehoneyhut.

Tim's sister Angela and her family came for a visit while we were on vacation. Living so far apart means The Little Girls rarely get to spend quality time with Addie, they were all so happy together. Couzie Heaven.

Angela (8 months pregnant!) playing tag with the kiddos at sundown.

Palm Desert.

We are home from Palm Desert where we spent 7 days in blissful relaxation.

Every day was a little slice of heaven, time passed slowly and smiles were constant.

Every morning I snuck out for an early run to cherished some "me" time in the cool desert breeze.

Then we all had breakfast with this goose family who lived in the pond on the 17th hole.

The Little Girls spent the mornings chasing the cottontail rabbits whose population seemed to have multiplied since last year. 

Tim and I drank our coffee, sitting on the lanai getting Goobie snuggles and watching the early morning golfers.

 Then we walked to the pool,



 to swim...

 swim...

 snack...

 swim...

 and swim some more until,

 Ivy and The Goo turned into monsters.

Then we would head back,

 make lunch or dinner and sit again out on the lanai,

 to watch more golfers and wait until the course was empty at sundown when we could run around in the desert night, and play tag.